Deep Thoughts by Derek Presents; More Questionable Dating Advice
Last month I gave you all solid dating advice, so this month I’m going to teach you my no fail tricks to staying in a solid healthy relationship.
The first step is to sweep all of your crazy under the rug, and let it leak out in small amounts. Eventually it should escalate to him walking in on you eating Nutella out of the jar with your fingers while you’re scream singing Celine Dion with no pants on. (Seriously though that was only one time.)
The next step is to put nicotine patches all over his back after sex once he’s asleep. That way if he ever leaves you, he’ll get a strong craving and think it’s for you.
Lastly you will want to pre-heat your oven to 350 degrees, then bake him for 20 minutes or until golden brown depending on how thick the pizza is. I think we have already established that I mostly substitute food for relationships. This advice also works for cats; just adjust the oven temperature accordingly.
If this advice doesn’t work, you can always treat your significant other to a gift card from Cliptomania.
Sincerely, Derek, Your Queen of Everything
*If you need to binge on some deep thoughts while avoiding all of your adult responsibilities (which I'm pretty sure is the entire point of the internet...) Click the link below and be transported into the realm of bad, yet pretty realistic, advise from Derek